Burnout, as we are slowly becoming collectively aware, is a condition typically associated with workplace stress that has become unmanageable. Its common effects - such as cynicism, exhaustion, reduced efficacy - were formally defined by the World Health Organisation (WHO) back in 2019, and they are felt by all types of individuals - regardless of age, gender, race, or any other demographic qualifier.
However, burnout’s causes are not the same for everyone. At the most granular level, each individual’s case of burnout is the unique result of their beliefs, life experiences, personality, cultural upbringing, and thousands upon thousands of decisions made over periods of years. Yet, if we look for generalised trends, we can see common causes when it comes to burnout among various groups of people.
In this guest blog post, Jim Young breaks down barriers to open up more meaningful conversations on men’s burnout, and identifies how “expansive intimacy” can help to be an alternative.
The rules of manhood
One such pattern shows up with men in Western culture. The unspoken social rules under which men are raised requires them to:
Be successful
Project a sense of strength at all times
Refrain from revealing their emotions or vulnerability, especially with other men
Remain in control
Avoid asking for help
Following these rules is important for men. They serve as a shield to protect them from being seen as “weak” or otherwise unmanly. While that defensive stance may feel important, it is also an inherent problem; one that can inevitably create a path straight towards burnout.
Let’s say a man is angling for a big promotion at work, which definitely keeps him within the rules because it shows strength and aims towards success. It may also provide him with more control and, if he’s like many other men, he’ll be doing it on his own without sharing his true feelings.
However, while he’s working hard at climbing the ladder, his dear grandmother, who cared for him throughout his youth when his parents were off at work, is dying. To complicate matters, he’s also on the precipice of divorce, due in part to spending so much time focused on his work.
These personal troubles create a conundrum. If he stops pursuing the promotion, he worries that his peers will think less of him. It might also take him out of the running for future promotions. Beyond that, his marital problems and his grandmother’s ill health will bring up a lot of emotions, such as sadness, worry and grief. However, these aren’t emotions guys are conditioned to talk about. So he keeps it to himself and gets back to work.
Against the backdrop of the cultural expectations around manhood, what can he do with the very real stresses he has? If he’s adhering to the social rules, the most common options are to ignore and/or numb his feelings, or find a “manly” way of expressing them. The latter option contains a litany of harmful activities that are often draped in violence, aggression, and anger. The former option isn’t much better. It typically involves overindulgence in things like alcohol, drugs, and, yes; work.
The consequences of breaking the rules
And just what might happen if this fellow dares to break the rules?
What if he lets on that he can’t handle the situation he’s in?
What awaits him should he say he needs help, that he can’t do what’s expected of him?
Shame.
Typically, shame is what lurks behind his stressful choice of whether or not to reveal what’s really going on inside him. Unfortunately, the fear of being shamed by his fellow men is often seen as worse than the pain he’s already enduring. So he keeps grinding away at work, all the while losing more and more of himself. He gets exhausted - mentally, emotionally, and physically. He becomes cynical, believing that there’s no way out of this trap. Under the weight of all of that stress and shame, he becomes less effective, even on his best days.
This is the formula that results in burnout for so many men. It’s a confounding dilemma, one that calls for an antidote whose flexibility and power match the vexing nature of burnout.
To be sure, that antidote isn’t the 4-day work week, a meditation practice, or better delegation skills. These are wonderful ways to create more balance and ease in life when you’re not burned out. However, they’re no match for a case of burnout that’s probably been smouldering for years.
Instead of a work-based alternative to burnout, we need another ideal that represents the true opposite of that isolating experience.
Whereas burnout drains our energy, seeds self-doubt, and breeds negativity, there’s an approach that builds us up, sparks our creative fire, and connects us to positive experiences across our lives. The approach is simple, timeless, and effective, yet it will challenge men to redefine what it means to take the “tough guy” approach. Instead of “sucking it up” or “toughing it out” in isolation, the approach asks him to do something even tougher for men in our culture.
Expansive Intimacy: how “tough guys” defeat burnout
One of the key antidotes to burnout is embracing intimate relationships across every aspect of life.
When we learn how to use this “expansive intimacy,” we access the full range of what we are capable of experiencing with the people in our lives. We find that it’s ok to reveal our true selves, and we can accept others as they are. We get to let out the stress that can feel all-consuming.
Ironically, we also find that our highs are higher, that by talking through “negative” emotions we discover that we’ve opened up a wider range for “positive” emotions. In other words, we have more fun than we could previously access because we have let go of a bunch of the baggage that’s weighing us down.
Of course, in a culture in which intimacy has been so narrowly defined, the options for embracing intimacy might seem limited. For many men, this can mean that the only place they let themselves explore true intimate connection is with their romantic partner. The issue in that situation is putting all of your emotional needs on a single person can lead to straining or breaking relationships.
The good news
There are so many ways in which we can build intimacy in our lives.
Here’s what a few of them look like:
1. Bond over an activity
For example, you might take your kids to a museum, with a commitment to be totally engaged with their natural curiosity.
2. Go have a spiritual experience
For many, going to see a live performance of any kind qualifies. A comedy show, rock concert, your kid’s dance recital. Or maybe it’s a hike with your buddies in which you jointly explore one of nature’s finest cathedrals.
3. Tell someone how you really feel
(“I’m fine” does not qualify.) Seriously, guys. Sharing what’s honestly going on inside you is a double win. It makes you feel better to get whatever it is off your chest, and it frequently causes the other person to recognise your humanity. Now you’ve got another person in the world who gets you, and who you can go back to the next time you need to get something off your chest.
Find your alternative
Burnout continues to affect people at an epidemic level, and its impact can be severe. To borrow a principle from many wise people throughout history; to find a true alternative to burnout we need to think differently than how we got here. For many men, they got here because of an over-reliance on work as the basis of their status and identity.
Creating expansively intimate relationships throughout your life is the alternative.
Jim Young is an executive coach, facilitator, author, and speaker who leverages his experiences from the corporate C-Suite to cure burnout for leaders and organisations. His book, Expansive Intimacy: How "Tough Guys" Defeat Burnout, helps men create a roadmap that leads them through a common modern malaise and into a new, more expansive, form of success that spans all aspects of their lives.