How often do you consider what you are really working towards – happiness or success?
In this week’s guest post, Life Coach Simon Tomkins explains why the key to a happy, healthy life lies in questioning and defining what success means to you, and shares his top coaching tips to help you align your values and goals.
Defining happiness
Most people’s ultimate goal in life is to be happy. Put simply, happiness is achieved when we have the right components in our life to meet our wants and needs. From our basic needs such as food, safety and shelter, to love, companionship and belonging, and higher needs such as self-actualisation, respect and fulfilment. When we have the right balance of these things in our life, we are more likely to feel happy, healthy and fulfilled.
Given that happiness is our ultimate goal, perhaps it seems surprising that we’re not taught how to achieve it. During education, historically there are no classes teaching us how to be happy or how to create a healthy and fulfilling life. Instead, during childhood and education, we have been encouraged to work hard so that we can have a successful career and achieve financial stability.
As career success and wealth are hailed as the ultimate goals it is implied, but not stated, that being successful will lead to happiness. And so it’s easy to forget that financial and professional success are just part of the vast tapestry of life. Succeeding in these areas alone does not mean succeeding in life.
The common perception of success
Our general understanding of what ‘success’ means, comes from our parents, teachers, friends and media.
Google’s definition: ‘Successful – having achieved fame, wealth, or social status.’
Consciously or not, most of us work towards these goals. We aspire to them and revere people who are considered successful. As these things are all visible to others, they allow us to receive external validation when we achieve them. This is a powerful driver for our egos, which crave acknowledgement, attention, respect and praise from others. After all, many of us want to tell people ‘I got promoted’ or drive a car they’re proud of.
However, external validation does not necessarily equal happiness, nor does money, and therefore success does not always lead to happiness either.
In a way, these things could be observed as a trap, in the sense that every time we step up a level we become accustomed to that status or way of life. We all know that wealth, material things, power and status can coexist with happiness, but they do not create it. A person who has become wealthy at the cost of their health or close relationships cannot be truly happy.
Reframe work-life balance to work-life harmony
As a coach, I help professionals, generally in their thirties, to create work-life harmony so that they can live more healthy, balanced and fulfilling lives.
In our initial conversations, my clients tell me how hard they work, and how busy they are juggling their career goals while managing their personal lives. They tend to have successful careers, financial stability and respect. What they tend to lack is time for things that matter (health/hobbies/important relationships) or a sense of excitement or fulfilment in their work or life. They often feel frustrated, stressed, tired, rushed, out of balance and unfulfilled. They want more time and freedom to spend with the people they love or doing things they value.
What many of my clients realise through our conversations is that for a long time, they have been working towards the next pay rise, bigger house or job title. They see that this was how they defined success, without consciously questioning where the definition came from. They have prioritised ‘success’ over the things that really make them happy.
To help my clients achieve clarity, we discuss what they truly value and want from life, and at this point, they discover what success means to them. They create a comprehensive definition of all the things they want from life. They think about how they want to be remembered, and what would make their life more exciting, healthy, stimulating and fulfilling. Then we work out how to step by step, they can build these values into their life.
I’m now going to share one of my exercises with you to help you get on track with your values and goals.
How to define your own success
The problem with society’s definitions of success – the one we learn growing up – is that it’s two-dimensional, typically based on external, measurable factors. However, human wants and needs are three-dimensional, nuanced, unique to the individual, and often internal and immeasurable.
Therefore, it’s unlikely that prioritising society’s definition of success will lead you to a happy, healthy life.
Instead, define your own success, and pursue it with all your heart.
To work out what success means to you ask yourself the following questions:
- When I’m 80 years old and I look back on my life, what will matter most?
- How do I want to be remembered?
- What are the most important relationships, things and experiences in my life?
- When were the happiest times of my life – what was I prioritising then?
- What are my top five values in life? (Examples: Family, integrity, balance, health, adventure, honesty, passion)
Answering these questions will highlight what really matters to you. The next step is to include the answers in your definition of success, to create a more complete picture of what you truly believe will make you happy.
In my experience, what most people realise when they answer these questions is that most of the things they really want, they can have or at least work towards right now. They realise that the real success they want tends to mean living according to a set of values, such as kindness, rather than collecting material things. It means doing things they love with people they love.
This realisation often liberates people, and gives them excitement and motivation they need. It also creates a sense of relief and calm as they feel better able to plan with purpose and let go of the ‘success’ they have been unconsciously chasing.
Happiness: the key to success
‘Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.’
– Albert Schweitzer
As philosopher and humanitarian Albert Schweitzer points out, when you pursue the things that make you happy in life, you increase your chances of being successful - in every sense. When you love what you are doing, in time you will succeed at it.
The irony is that ambitious people who make decisions and follow paths based on what they’re passionate about, tend to perform better, and therefore be more successful at it. Ultimately, they achieve career success, fame, notoriety and wealth to become successful in every sense.
So if you want to live a happy, healthy life, prioritise the things you value and feel passionate about. Make happiness and health your ultimate goal, this will enable you to define your own success on your terms, and lead you to it.
Simon Tomkins is a life coach who focuses on helping professionals in their thirties live more healthy, balanced and fulfilling lives. Through his coaching programmes, public speaking and newsletter, he helps people create empowering mindsets, and develop positive habits and routines, which enable them to create work-life harmony. Simon shows his clients how to make time for the things that really matter to them. Find out more on his website.